I'm going to save it......for now

As if the 29 letters Monday weren't enough............another 60 today!!!!! The only comfort I have right now is knowing it cost these jerks $39.16 to mail this crap to me. F them!

When it pours.....

Last night when I got the mail it was a surprisingly huge wad of envelopes. Roughly 30 letters. I open a huge envelope from SHC. It contains this really nice golden certificate thanking us again for our fundraising and letting us know they have put us in "the golden book" of donors. I'm so excited about it and I run right upstairs and frame it and then proceed to get to the other 29 envelopes. 2 bills, a couple junk mail things and then 20 envelopes are left which are frighteningly all the same size.....and all from our insurance company. Do you hear the jaws theme playing.....du dut du dut....
anyway, so I grab one and open it up and Jeremy sees the stack and starts opening one, you have got to be shitting me. These idiots sent us 19 letters informing us that they were billing Taylor's physical therapist for her services because they over paid them. Hello!?!?! Taylor's therapy is $160 bucks each visit and she usually has one each week. These friggin morons didn't start paying anything until a couple months ago and they only paid like $110 of it. So all the while the PT's company has been eating the loss. Now these assholes want the little bit they did pay back because "Taylor's diagnosis is an unapproved condition" I respond with, "Unapproved condition, seriously?" While I really feel like screaming: GO F YOURSELF! "Yeah, I'm sorry but we're not going to be able to cover these services" You have got to be kidding me.....
this is awesome!
They don't and won't cover her prosthetics, or anything that goes with them, ie visiting the ortho for the rx for the prosthetic, the suspension sleeves, the socks that go on her arm....nothing. And now they won't cover her physical therapy!?!?! If it weren't for her PT, she'd still be walking like an 80 year old pirate, and her arms would still be glued to her sides, and her balance would still likely be totally out of wack. Her PT has worked on so much more than just making sure she could use her prosthetic and do things without it.

The gov't has given us the FO
The state has given us the FO
and now our insurance company

what the hell is wrong with people?

Prosthetics are cosmetic, no pre-existing conditions, how 'bout FO to that!

If I ever hear prosthetics are cosmetic again, the idiot who says it to me will likely get punched in the face.

And so now, on top of the BS with them billing the therapist, that also messed up our deductable so we'll likely be paying a bunch more money for other visits that were previously covered and either the therapy group has to eat the entirety of the bills or we won't be able to have her come as often, if at all. Super! I'm so irritated right now......there are no words.

Finally! The holidays (and year) are almost over.

I'm such a crank this time of year. The craziness of too many people at the stores, the people who forgot how to drive when it snows, or even "dusts" a few flakes, the wrapping like theirs no tomorrow, then the opening like theirs no tomorrow..... if it weren't for my girls, I'd be done with all of it. I just feel like I don't have time to breathe, let alone do anything else. It makes me nuts. And then the fighting with random family members about how I don't want 15 Christmas's.....I want my girls to have one. Santa comes one time a year....not every day of December. Grrr. Enough ranting....well, maybe......

As 2009 comes to an end...

1) Where did you begin 2009?

At Camp. We missed the ball drop yet again. We started the night at Marge and Louis' house.....for some foolish reason we left to go back to camp (apparently at 11:50ish) to fire up the generator to power the TV so we could see it and shout our "Happy New Year" and then go to bed. Needless to say, we got to camp, found out it was already 10 after 12....so we just went to bed.

2) What was your status by Valentine' Day.

married

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?

no

4) How did you earn your money?

watching kids, cleaning, plowing, mowing, etc

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?

Yes and Sort of. Ashtyn needed to see the Doc for an "issue" with bubble bath soap and her pedi was on vacation, so I took her to Urgent Care (its really slow as death care in my book) and Shriners Hospital is a "hospital" and we went there 6 times I think. Oh yeah....I got to go to the ER because I'm a moron and put my hand through the door. Yippee that was fun. I ended up gashing my other hand a few weeks ago too (because I'm great like that...who cuts their hand open on a can of peas????....I do) I needed stitches for that one too but I said to hell with it....bandaids and medical tape.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?

Yes. Only one time this year. Again, those stupid jerks from BF tried to break in to my neighbors house. I caught them in the act and called my ever so useless PD...big shocker, they didn't find them. I love paying taxes for stupidity.

7) Where did you go on vacation?

Orleans, Vermont.....to our camp

8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?

Kubota L3400, backhoe and brush hog

9) Did you know anybody who got married?

Justin and Crystal, Jason and Crystal, Leslie and Rob

10) Did you have any new additions to your family?

Nope

11) Did you know anybody who passed away?

Emily Brown and ( I didn't know him, but he was Jeremy's uncle) Travis Honeycutt

12) Did you move anywhere?

not yet

13) What concerts/shows did you go to?

Ashtyn's Preschool's Christmahanakwanzika Concert

14) Are you registered to vote?

yes.

15) Who did you want to win Big Brother?

I don't watch it

16) Where do you live now?

New Hampshire....still

17) Describe your birthday?

My birthday was "forgotten" by my awesome hubby. All his friends remembered though. That was a bad day :(

18) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2009?

3 things: Host a fundraiser. Enroll Ashtyn in preschool. Put my house up for sale.

19) What has been your favorite moment?

When Ryan's court stuff was over and heard he wasn't going to jail. When I heard Shriners Hospital wasn't closing Springfield.

20) What's something you learned about yourself?

I'm still a very negative person.......and I can inspire people to help do great things.

21) What was your best month?

I think they were all kind of equal. Everyone had their ups and downs.

22) What music will you remember 2009 by?

none

23) Who has been your best drinking buddy?

Ashtyn and Taylor.....we get to be sober together...yippee

24) Made new friends?

Jen, Jen and Lisa

25) New or old best friend?

I still have no idea what I am supposed to say to that...

26) Favorite Night out?

Ummmmm When I have one, I'll let you know.

More idiotic evidence

I'm a complete ditz. That's all there is to it. I don't know if its the hanging out with little kids 24/7 thing, or the pregnant and/or nursing for the last 4 years messing my hormones up, lack of out of home life, genetics (ha ha...you know I love you guys)....I have no idea the source of my stupidity. Maybe its all of it put together but wow do I feel dumb.

I just met with a woman today about watching her kiddo and it was like I was transformed into a 12 month old as soon as I opened my mouth to speak. Obviously I never had a public speaking class or I probably wouldn't have this problem. And I'm not a "seller"...you like what you see or you leave the store. I'm not the type to coax you into buying something you don't want. But I seem to have the curse of making really horrible first impressions. I don't know why, I just do. By the end of my "duh, I watch kids, duh" either the parents think, "Hey at least she's on the same page as my 2 month old, I guess my kids safe here" or "this girls so good she doesn't care about first impressions...she's already got a house full of other kids and they seem fine" or, the worst case scenario," yeah, um, I'll call ya...." as they run for the hills and wonder who lets me watch kids.

Ugh!

I really should have paid more attention to my calender today.

I had a visit scheduled with Taylor's therapist to review her case/needs/whatever from noon to one, then my extra kiddo "D" was going to show up at 1, well he showed up at 10, so instead of quiet time to review Taylor's file, it was going to be 3 kids awake and crazy time, and for some reason I forgot everything that I had already scheduled between noon and 3 when I told this woman who called about childcare to "come on over" when she asked if 1:30 would be okay.

This is why the calender is right there on the door in front of my face!!!! To LOOK AT IT!!! And I neglected to do so.

Ashtyn was having a really bad day since she woke up and it was only seeming to get worse as the minutes progressed. 10:30 Ashtyn falls asleep....one down, 2 to go. Not so lucky. I got Taylor and "D" their lunch just as Taylor's therapist walked in the door. We started going over the file as the kids ate, then they finished and I laid them down. Taylor passes out but "D" tossed and turned and talked to himself for the remainder of the PT/OT's visit. Ashtyn woke up as we were finishing. One visit down. About 5 minutes later the woman with the kiddo shows up with her kiddo and her sister and her sister's kiddo as I'm cooking Ashtyn's lunch and trying to coax "D" into going to sleep. He starts crying and wakes up Taylor. Taylor's crying, Ashtyn's screaming since she hasn't had lunch yet and "D" is still crying about not wanting a nap.

CALGON TAKE ME AWAY.

I'm standing there like a deer in headlights at this woman and her sister. I might as well have been drooling on myself with how intelligent I felt. I don't even know if I got her kiddo's name....that was how crazy it got. I gave her a 15 second tour and apologized for the insanity, said she didn't mind the chaos and took my info and packet of stuff I put together for her and said she'd give me a call later this week since she's hoping to have everything lined up for her return to work next Monday.

We'll see.

Lucky for me, the visitor I was supposed to have at 2, didn't show up.

And people wonder where "Chaos and Mayhem" came from....such is my life. Nothing can go smoothly or it wouldn't be my life.

What is wrong with people?!

I'm in a pretty crud mood and since I'm super cool and have nothing to do I have turned to my newest best friends in the blogging world for a dose of cheer-me-up. Well, not so much. I've just recently found out about google's blog search engine ( yes I know I'm slow) and so I typed in "daycare" to see if I could find any ideas of stuff to do with my kids (mine and the "borrowed ones") and this was what popped up:48 babies killed and 2 dozen more severely burned, Daycare Lawsuit filed over 2 year old found in back seat of van, Daycare operator Charged.... this one titled Daycare Disputes kills me. Not the statement of the original source, but the woman who responded to her question...... her kid was taken from the daycare center by some random guy!!!!!!!!!! What the hell?!??!?!? This is why my kids are not in daycare. This is why I stay home, why I take others kids in, even when days like today make me want to throw in the towel. I can't even imagine what that mother is going through. I'd kill. There would not be a chance for sorry. I don't care if the kid was returned safe, I would kill. Flat out. Death. Oh my god! I'm by no means Mother of the Year or Caregiver of the year but I make damn sure the kids are safe. I fear everyday that the estranged parent of one of my kids might show up and want to take him/her...or that some random psycho might show up..... I know that my life would be put on the line for any of the kids.... if my dog doesn't kill them, hopefully I could at least stop them.... I'd at least give it my all. Wow. I'm so saddened by those stories. I wonder all the time if I'm really doing what's best for my girls, staying home with them instead of sending them off to a daycare center with other kids...... I'm probably never going to question myself again. I hope the parents of the kids I watch realize how good they've apparently got it too. If some person shows up at my door asking for a kid, they have to show me ID and be on the kids list of emergency release people. And I'd still call the parent (depending on the circumstance) to ask them and/or chew them out for not letting me know the person was coming. And this one Daycare operator charged um...hello..... why are there not more stay at home parents? And who is licensing these idiots?

I wish today was over

I'm in such a garbage mood today. There has been so much pollen in the air lately that now I can barely breathe out my nose. My throat is killing me and my head is just throbbing. I feel like I've been run over by a dump truck. And on top of the crud feeling, everyone seems to want to hit, or I should day SMASH my buttons. Everyone wants to pull the pity me crap and I just want to smack them. Guess what, my life isn't rosie either. I spend my days trying to keep myself from sinking in my pool of manure. I'm trying to make sure my kids are happy and fed. Taking care of everyone else's kids with not much appreciation showed. Trying to help who I can when I can. Dealing with the never-ending stupid wedding invitations that show up every day. Everyone seems to want to plan my entire summer for me so I can't get anything I need to do done, let alone just sit and do nothing for an hour. Every weekend {since April 11 and not ending} until September 26, is booked. I've got something I'm supposed to do or attend. Every weekend. Something. Wedding, birthday, wedding, wedding, fix camp, wedding. Last I checked I had no friends...... okay so I have like 5.... and all of them except for Sara are married already. Why am I being bombarded with wedding invitations. Chances are pretty good, if I can afford the gas to drive to your wedding, that's all I got for you... I showed up. And considering the fact you are going to (over) pay for me to eat at your wedding, my gift of my appearance isn't going to cover the meal you are going to offer me. I can't swing $100 or whatever for every wedding. I just can't. And I would already feel like a jerk only giving you $100 because chances are very good, the meal was more than that for the 2 of us. So it's still cost you money for me to show up. Girr. Is it tomorrow yet?

More adventures in the land of Chaos and Mayhem

How I find time to sleep I'll never know. I have been so busy the last few weeks I feel like I'm spinning. Between my kids and kids that aren't mine, helping out with Gram (she had her hip replacement surgery Monday, all went well and she's going to rehab on Friday.. I believe) trying to get our Shriners fundraiser up and running, helping out at Travis' house, and Brad and Gloria's house, 7 pets... only one is mine, and trying to make my house not look like a tsunami went threw it.... I should be grey or bald. And the overwhelming weekend suckage that comes with summer...ugh! I have something going on every single weekend from now until September.... and I only have one weekend currently left in September that I'm not already "booked". I also had my second, third and forth Stupid-person run in with Taylor. All in one day. "What's wrong with her arm?" Nothing, she only has one hand. "Oh... well at least she still looks alright" FO! Um blood pressure medicine...STAT. I know it is bound to happen but give me a break. Its days like those I wish she had her naughty onsie on. I hate stupid people. GRRRRR! More later when the "cranky" leaves my brain

Rain Sucks!

I think it has rained every single day since April 26th. 12 days! I'm sick sick sick of it. It makes me cranky and puts me into cabin fever mode. All I want to do is sleep. The kids are nuts when its like this. They've both been sick since the 26th too we've done NOTHING and gone NO WHERE and it needs to end NOW! That's another thing that has irritated me for the last 2 weeks: Taylor had a wicked nasty cough and a slight fever. I let it go for a few days thinking it would pass, hopefully quickly, and I really didn't want to drag her to the doctors. Its not that I don't like the kids' pediatrician, I do, he's awesome, I just hate feeling like I'm one of those Mom's who freak out at every little sniffle. But after 3 days of coughing and crying, the pukey diareah showed up and Jeremy said I needed to bring her in. So my immediate thought is: Oh my god, if he says to get her in, I should have done it 3 or 4 days ago. This is the guy who didn't go to the doctors when he cut off his finger....Popsicle stick and duct tape "cured" it......REDNECK..... anyway, so I call the doctor and they get her in at 4:30 that evening, ears look good, throat looks good, no wheezing or anything in her lungs, and the kid didn't friggin cough once. I was not impressed where this was going. "she's fine, but call us if she gets a fever" Give me a f-ing break. So I pack the kids up to go home, pissed off. No sooner do I get outside, Taylor starts hacking and crying. Give me a break! So I get back home and listen to coughing, crying and screaming. So the next morning, about 6:30, she's warm. Jeremy goes to work, still oblivious I brought the kids to the doctor, and I frantically look for a thermometer. I find one, stick it under her armpit, 94 degrees....oh, so my kids a Popsicle! I find another one, I stick it in her ear, 95.1, again my kid has hypothermia. I find the "butt one" 96....so at least she's getting warmer. Then low and behold, I find a bandy-dandy new one. Please let this one work. Into the butt we go, and 102. Finally. So I call the doctors office. "He's not here today....want me to call Springfield for you" seeing how my only alternative is the ER, and this ER would let you bleed to death before giving you a bandaid, yeah, please call whoever. So she calls them and calls me back. 4:30 appointment. So I package up the kids again. Drive 30 minutes to the other doctors office. Wait FOREVER and then finally the doctor shows up, has a nurse take her temperature, check her O2 stats, the doctor comes back "she has a minor fever 100.8, give her some Tylenol", which the nurse then did and sent us on our way home again. Again I'm pissed. I'm pissed that Taylor didn't cough for the doctor AGAIN and I'm pissed that "She's fine".... she's not fine. Saturday comes and goes, this was the day of the March for Babies and Ashtyn's birthday party, I have been religiously checking Taylor's temp every hour or so. All I kept thinking was of Dee's little girl getting sick the summer Ashtyn was born, being repeatedly told she was fine and then passing away on the ride to another attempt at a doctors visit. I kept trying not to over react and look at it rationally, but that morning Ashtyn started in with a cough. At first we all thought it was a joke to get cough drops. But the cough remained all weekend. Monday, I call the girls pediatrician's office again. The evil fill-in-secretary:"he's busy and doesn't have any time today" WRONG ANSWER! Ever so calmly "you look here, I brought my baby in on Thursday, brought her to Springfield on Friday. Its now Monday and now BOTH of my girls are sick" "Both of your kids are sick?" ever so meekly. YESSSSSSS! "Oh. well, I'll tell and have her give you a call" Great. So I wait. Tick tick tick. 2 minutes have gone by....the phone rings. I tell her whats going on, she rescheduled someone's well child check up thing, and we needed to get our tushies over to their office. So we pack up and run over there. Now: Ashtyn has a pretty bad ear infection and bronchitis/bronchiolitis (whatever... phlemmy coughing yuck) and little miss Taylor has an ear infection in BOTH EARS and the same bronchio...whatever. Finally, I'm not insane, they aren't FINE. Some antibiotics prescriptions and we're homeward bound again. Ashtyn's med's are the 4 day kind and Taylor gets the 10 day. At this point Ashtyn has not said a word about her ear hurting. As soon as the meds are gone. "my ear hurts" sure it does, she just wants more medicine..... So I ask what ear hurts.... she points to her left one. Motherffffffffffer. Sure enough, that's the one that had the ear infection. So I have no idea if its still there or what. But today I get to drag them over to the doctors for our 4th trip in 14 days to attempt at making it through Ashtyn's 3 year well child check up and then both of them will get a recovery check up. At least they're smooshing the 3 appointments into one for me.....I hate the rain. Have I told you that lately. You wouldn't be reading this crap if we were outside doing something fun. GRRRRRRR

Jealous

Oh the joys of warm weather. Everyone comes out of their hibernation and flock to anywhere thats not inside the house. There's been a lot of get-togethers in the midwest of families with kids that have limb differences and I'm so sad and jealous I can't be there. Sammy's Friends and I-Can have been valuable resources in getting people together..... just not me. There are only a few people in my area of the country and it seems we have more differences than things in common, wether its the age of our kids...or that the people who want to meet are adults who want to meet other adults, geographic location, the limb difference itself, wether we want to drive or have people come to us and the fact that there's not a whole lot to do.... especially that everyone would enjoy as a whole. We don't have any zoos or big theme parks, our fairs are pretty lame (with the exception of Hopkington State Fair. And the one day in the entire year when something entertaining actually happens near me, Old Homes Day, when we have THE BEST FIREWORKS EVER (besides Disney), which we watch right in my yard, is also the same day as my Family Reunion so its not like I can invite people over for a cookout or something since I won't be around until fireworks time. And Jeremy wouldn't likely be here either since he'll most likely be the one running the train during the fireworks. I really hate New Hampshire. I'm in the middle of no where.

Normally a picture says a thousand words......mine only says 3

Those words you wonder: MY CAMERA DIED!!!!!!

I'm going to go and cry now but I wanted to share my misery.

This is how my day went:

I got to fold a months worth of clothing....and try like hell to find a home for everything.



This is the pile of clean laundry that was hiding from my "want to do" list for the past month or so in my basement.




Notice the folded stuff and the pile-o-clothing.... the folded stuff was my clothes, Jeremy's clothes, sheets and towels..... the pile-o-clothing is Ashtyn and Taylor's stuff. And keep in mind: 1)this is just what they fit into at this moment, 2)this is not the clothing that is in their room, 3) or the festering pile that has consumed MY closet, 4) doesn't include the dirty clothes still in my basement, 5) there is at least this much if not more clothing in my attic that Ashtyn has grown out of and Taylor is too small for, and 6) I have an entire row of my closet that is full of brand new clothes and a bunch of outfits that were worn to a photo shoot and then handed down to me.... um...... The words "EXCESS" and "DOWNSIZE" come to mind.

So now what?

My Mom and Dave came down to snag Ashtyn for the weekend and left 20 minutes ago. I'm already bored and can't figure out what to do with myself. Taylor's still hanging out with me but she doesn't require as much work as Ashtyn does. I'm so used to my 24/7 mommy-hood, that I don't know what to do when I'm short a child or both. Last night my parents watched both of the girls so Jeremy and I could have some much needed time away..... we haven't been alone together since our fakie honeymoon back in April of 2007.... and I was completely at a loss when we had to figure out what to do. This was my second night out since Ashtyn was born and all I could think of was "what are the kids doing right now?" I whine and carry on about how I want to have a few hours away to do something..... anything..... and then it finally happens and I have no idea what to do. I'm lost without my babies. Its insane. It might have been a different story if it was warm out and daytime, then I could have ridden my Harley.... that's always enjoyable, but a night out...... I hate the bar, and I'm too poor to enjoy it, same with dinner at a restaurant. Why spend 50 bucks to eat something I could have made at home for $4? Last night was kind of an eye opener of how my priorities have changed so much since having Ashtyn. And as much as I still hate spending countless hours at home, I'd really rather do that than do whatever it was I used to do before them. I've turned into a hermit against my will. I only enjoy being out if its with my kids. Playgroups, the beach, the pool, wherever as long as I've got Ashtyn and Taylor by my side. Even when Ashtyn is being absolutely unbearable, I'd rather be with her, than not. 10 years ago, I didn't want kids....and now look at me, I have forgotten how to live and function without them. I'm offically a complete sap.

Horrifying Parents is more like it

I don't think I've ever been so appalled as I was this morning when I saw this on NBC. To think there are people out there who believe that differences should be hidden away!?!?!?! Apparently there are some morons out there who need to be re-educated.



http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/29391313/

By Mike Celizic
TODAYShow.com contributor
updated 5:59 p.m. ET, Wed., Feb. 25, 2009

When the BBC hired a pretty young actress to co-host a daily program for toddlers, it never expected viewers to complain that the young woman might give their children nightmares.

“I didn't want to let my children watch the filler bits on the bedtime hour last night because I know it would have played on my eldest daughter's mind and possibly caused sleep problems,” wrote one viewer in an e-mail to the British television network after seeing Cerrie Burnell play games and read children’s stories.

The viewer’s problem? Burnell was born with an incomplete right arm that ends in a stump below her elbow.

According to a BBC report, most viewers have been supportive of Burnell, who took over a daily slot on the BBC’s children’s network, CBeebies, at the beginning of February with Alex Winters. But a handful have written to the station complaining about her disability. Some say she may frighten the children. Others accuse the network of going overboard in the interests of diversity. Some say they don’t want to have to address such issues with very young children.

Burnell, who has a 4-month-old daughter, seems unfazed by the controversy. “Children come up to me in the street every day and say 'What's that?' I wouldn't say they're frightened but certainly they're inquisitive,” she told BBC magazine. "I would always take the time to explain to a child. All they want is an explanation. They want to know 'What's that?' and 'What's happened?' and 'Why are you different?' And then they will move on."

Barbara Otto, the executive director of Health & Disability Advocates, a national American organization that lobbies, said in a phone interview that she would be surprised if a person like Burnell caused a similar reaction in the United States.

The Americans with Disabilities Education Act has mainstreamed as many disabled children as possible into regular schools. “We have community inclusion of people with disabilities,” she said. “Kids are going to school with people with different abilities. In the United States, this would be unheard of.”

In England, experts have noted that small children do not normally have difficulty dealing with people who are different. Where adults may turn their heads away from someone in a wheelchair, toddlers will walk right up to them and ask them about their chair. They don’t ask what’s wrong, but rather what is.

“They acknowledge it, they don’t look away,” Otto said of small children. “They ask what happened, not out of horror or disgust or fear. The want to know what happened. A responsible adult tells them: ‘Here’s what the situation is.’”

Are adults the problem?
England has non-discrimination laws similar to those in America. The problem isn’t with kids but with adults, Sir Bert Massie of Great Britain’s Equality and Human Rights Commission told the BBC.

"I think what's happening is a number of adults do have prejudices, do have very negative views about disabled people, and instead of admitting the views are their own, they're projecting them on to their children and saying the children are doing this,” he is quoted as saying.

Otto agreed. “It’s the adults,” she said, noting that Baby Boomers were raised in an era when the disabled were excluded from mainstream society. “People with disabilities were ‘the others.’ They were went away to live in institutions. A lot of that changed starting in the 1970s and 80s. It’s an old-fashioned notion.”

Otto said the reaction to Burnell is symptomatic of a larger issue some parents today are trying to cope with.

“This situation really speaks to an issue we’re seeing in parenting today,” Otto said. “Given the challenges of being a parent and the inability to control what our kids are exposed to, some parents are having a real drastic reaction. Maybe this is a part of it. Some people strive to shelter their children as long as they can. I suppose you see that everywhere. You see people home-school their kids because they don’t want them in an environment where they can’t control what they’re doing every minute of the day.”

Although the target of complaints, Burnell did not attempt to tell parents how to raise their children. “I'd never comment on anyone's parenting or the time for them to have a discussion with their child about disabilities,” she told the BBC. "It's a totally personal thing and people have to do it when they feel comfortable to do it. But I would just hope that, I guess, me being on CBeebies would present an opportunity for them to do that in the comfort of their own home."

If you're squeemish.....don't look

So yesterday I was a moron! Ashtyn decided it was necessary to play on the table on my porch. It has 4 "windows" in the table which are obviously glass and she has already broke one....we assume it was her anyway. So I see her and knock on the door that goes from my living room to the porch to get her attention.....It basically went, "knock, knock, oh f$#@%!" I manged to smash out the window, slice a 1 1/2 inch long chunk of my hand open all the way down to the veins and whatever else I was staring at. I knew it was bad when I saw blue veins. All I could think of was chicken skin. And then, somehow very calmly and rationally, "Hey Ashtyn honey I need you to get your shoes on now. Mommy's got a boo-boo and needs to go get stitches." I then packed up Taylor, grabbed Ashtyn and ran out the door, loaded the baby, re-strapped in Ashtyn's car seat and I drove 20 miles away to the ER trying to keep my cool as I got stuck behind moron after moron going 20 under the speed limit. But we got there and I got some more stitches to add to my list of accomplishments. Luckily Jeremy's father had just shown up to visit from Oklahoma, so he attempted (which is all you can do with Ashtyn) to help entertain the kiddos.

Aahhhh! The joys of nap time

Five minutes finally :) So alot of people (somehow) have missed some important things in the goings-on of our family. So I figured I'd inform and clarify. Ashtyn has now been out of diapers for 7 months now. I decided if I shared the news back in July when it all went down I would be jinxing it and she would revert back into diapers so I just never said anything. I've just kind of assumed people figured it out a while ago but I recently have had a few people asked me "when are you going to potty train her?" So now it is clarified.... no more diapers for Ashtyn :) She has also finally hit 36 inches!!! So now my little monkey can go on all the rides at the fair and Storyland!!! Also.....Ashtyn is turning 3 in April, not 4 or 5 like some seem to believe.......don't rush it. I know the terrible two stuff SUCKS but I don't want to see her off to school yet....Little Taylor has hit 13 pounds now and is about to be introduced to the world of yucky baby cereal. Her first tooth/teeth should be through any day now.....they are driving her crazy.....poor kiddo. Her hip issue.... I've been doing the ROM exercises with her since November when we first heard there could be an issue and they've helped but she's still limited. I have a physical therapist and some other specialists coming to evaluate her this week and depending on their findings, they might be doing home visits (yay!) to do some OT/PT with her and we're going to Dartmouth to get her x-rays done in a couple weeks which will pretty much clear up any questions of whether or not there is anything to worry about besides tight muscles or whatever. Jeremy has almost finished his "student" period of engineering the train. He will have his engineer license soon and driving the train all on his own. Hopefully he also gets a raise :) The only kind-of downside to that is he's one step closer to taking that position up North and making me pack all my junk again to move up there. And along with the move....sell this house and build one up there!!!! AHHHHHH! I'm torn about that idea. I'm not done fixing this house and after all the thousands of hours of excruciating labor, I don't know if I want to get rid of this house. But its beyond gorgeous up there. 80 Acres of trees, grass, deer, moose and all the other woodland critters. No more route 12 traffic along my property threatening to enter my yard or home.....the sweet sound of silence..... and the threat of Jeremy building a house....YIKES! I love him but he's no carpenter. Oh well time will tell. Still no news on the Ryan situation..... we'll all know when the answers come...... and we're all praying for the best. My 5 minutes are apparently up.......

Heartache

Sunday and Monday I went to Emily's wake and funeral service. I think that was the worst thing I have ever had to do. Its always an awful adventure going to any funeral but this one was particularly treacherous. There are no words that you can say to a grieving father who is staring at the box containing his baby girl. Or to the mother who tried and tried for years to produce this precious miracle child only to have her taken away from her after a mere 26 years. To a sister, brother-in-law, niece and nephew, who now a have big vacancy in their lives were a bubbly and wild Emily once stood. And to a little boy, only 4 years old, will wonder for a while to come: "Where'd Mommy go?" I could barely choke out "I'm sorry". I couldn't function enough to do much more than that. As I looked at her coffin and noticed the toy monster trucks sitting there as a reminder of her adventures with Kurt to see the real ones, it took all the strength I had to remain standing and try to catch my breath. I can't imagine what the family is going through. The thought of losing one of my babies, my sister, my mother..........there is nothing that can be said. It saddens me that I had not seen Emy since I found out I was expecting Ashtyn, and that is a mistake I will not allow to happen again with my friends and family. Everyone gets so busy when they have a family and we all need to work harder at making time to see one another more often. It was nice to see, however, that in our time apart she touched a great deal of others. The funeral home barely had enough space to house all the friends that showed to pay their respects and say goodbye to our dear friend. I managed to laugh through my tears as one speaker referred to Emy's tattoos, and specifically her father's disapproval of them. I sat back and thought about her first one. Her and I were hanging out at my dad's house when we were very young (and dumb) and I gave her her first tattoo. Her mom gave me some grief about it a few years back at my wedding(it made me laugh then too). Emy and I just didn't have a care back then. It seemed like we did a lot of dumb stuff throughout our early teens. I remember the two of us getting harassed by the Claremont PD a couple of times (we obviously didn't learn the first time) for playing on the playground after dark. It apparently closed at sunset and we just decided we were going to swing at midnight if we chose to and too bad if people didn't like it. Our late night festivities at the playground ended however the night Emy was brought home to her very unimpressed father because we got caught with cigarettes underage. We had some good times :) Seeing the pictures on the monitor brought back a lot of memories I had forgotten. Jenkin's was a good one. I loved the ugly dance recital costumes. What a riot. And the tea party themed birthdays I had every year for what seemed like an eternity. Riding our bikes up and down her street for hours, flirting with cute neighborhood boys. Watching Evil Knievel when we were little and her mom used to babysit me and a bunch of my cousins. I remember being jealous of her for being in the local newspaper for hula hooping when we were little. And hanging out in her sister's room listening to Meatloaf and "Jeremiah was a bullfrog". Too many memories and yet still not enough. We should have had a lot more to come. I will miss her immensely as will everyone who knew her. Rest in Peace Em

Goodbye 2008

As 2008 comes to an end...

1) Where did you begin 2008?

At home, on my couch with Jeremy and Ashtyn.....missing the ball drop because NBC messed up the NYEve programming

2) What was your status by Valentine' Day.

married

3) Were you in school (anytime this year)?

no

4) How did you earn your money?

watching kids, cleaning, plowing, mowing, etc

5) Did you have to go to the hospital?

Yes, Twice. 4 days after Ashtyn's 2nd birthday, Ashtyn had her first ER adventure after she fell and stuck a straw in her eye!!! Luckily there was no severe damage, she just shaved part of her cornea which healed up very quickly. I found out quick how much kids don't like it when you put medicine in their eyes..... and then in September, I got to have my happy stay at Valley Regional to deliver our newest family member, Taylor.

6) Did you have any encounters with the police?

Yes, several. There was a string of thefts in town this summer as some of you may recall me cursing about. The first hit to my house they stole all the gas out of tractor, atv's and jeep, the second time they stole my f-ing car!!!! and the third time they didn't get a damn thing!!!! Jerks.

7) Where did you go on vacation?

Orleans, Vermont.....to our camp

8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?

2002 Ford Explorer for Valentine's Day and a 2008 Yamaha Grizzley 700 for my birthday

9) Did you know anybody who got married?

My baby sister Julie on FRIDAY!!!!! February 8....Why on a Friday???? Because she's a pain :) I love you Julie.

10) Did you have any new additions to your family?

2, My daughter Taylor and my cousin Bailey

11) Did you know anybody who passed away?

Unfortunatly. RIP Boomer

12) Did you move anywhere?

no

13) What concerts/shows did you go to?

none :(

14) Are you registered to vote?

yes. And for the first time, I actually voted.

15) Who did you want to win Big Brother?

I don't watch it

16) Where do you live now?

New Hampshire....still

17) Describe your birthday?

Sadly, I don't remember. Being 2 days after Ashtyn's, mine just kind of comes and goes. I know I got a new Grizzley though!!!

18) What's one thing you thought you'd never do but did in 2008?

Manage to not have a nervous breakdown. 2008 was a very bad/crazy year. It seems like bad news was around every corner. In April, my step brother was in a very bad car accident, he actually just recently ended his never-ending stay at one hospital after the other, but that was not a good time to say the least. Then in June, I went for my ultrasound to "find out the gender" of my little munchkin, just to find out she didn't have a left hand and then hear that I needed a battery of other tests to make sure she was actually OK in all other aspects. When I got home from that appointment, I recieved a 2 week notice from 2 of the 3 kids I was providing daycare for, then that night had to tell my husband "hey, I lost 2 kids today, so we have no money coming in on my end and oh, by the way, we're having a girl (ha ha I win) and she only has one hand" that was a rough week. so we eventually told the family and everyone had their initial tears but was totally fine. Once we finally found out Taylor was fine and going to be a perfectly healthy, normal little girl, the fog seemed to disipate for a while. Then, two days after Taylor was born, my sister and her husband were in a terrible crash..... one of the passengers died..... a few bumps and bruises to Julie and Ryan, Rachel, a friend of ours, got the worst of the "boo-boo's", she broke her nose and had to get a zillion stitches and whatnot to fix her poor nose.... but so now Ryan is going to court for this and that's just making stuff all sorts of crazy. That's just the icing on the cake. I won't bore you with the rest.

19) What has been your favorite moment?

When Taylor was born and Ashtyn was so proud and excited to have a baby sister.

20) What's something you learned about yourself?

I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT DELIVER WITHOUT AN EPIDURAL!!!!!!

21) What was your best month?

February..... I looked hot at Julie's wedding (and I had just found out I was pregnant)

22) What music will you remember 2008 by?

none

23) Who has been your best drinking buddy?

Ashtyn and Taylor.....we get to be sober together...yippee

24) Made new friends?

The computer

25) New or old best friend?

I have no idea what I am supposed to say to that...

26) Favorite Night out?

Ummmmm When I have one, I'll let you know.

5 seconds is all I'm asking

I never thought I'd see the day I was this busy. I barely have time to wipe myself, or even go to the bathroom for that matter. Anyway, since I have only a few seconds to blah to all who care... Taylor had her two month check up today (shots and all) what fun :( She did great though, she only cried for a few aggonizing seconds. Some of you may know I was a bit concerned to hear of the possibility of a hip problem last month from the orthopedic dr at Dartmouth.... well her pediatrician checked her hips today and its a gray area still. Basically her hips should allow her legs to lay flat when pressed open......did you catch that??? Picture the flats of your feet together while you lay on your back.....the sides of your knees (at least if you're a baby) should touch the floor.....well hers won't allow that. I guess that is usually a big but fixable problem. It basically means her hip is not actually in the socket, its kind of floating....however, normally when there is a floating hip thing going on, the doctor can disconnect the hip on the baby.....well he can't do that to Taylor soooooo there may or may not be a problem???? I'm lost myself.... So I'm still stuck waiting until March to have her xrays done to find out if there is a problem or not. Everyone knows how I enjoy waiting >:( But on another note..... we have her first appointment made with Shriner's.....January 14! Talk about right around the corner. I have no clue what will happen then but at least the ball is rolling. Hopefully I will have another 5 seconds in the near future to blah some more soon.

I've come to realize

1. I've come to realize that my life...Could be worse.

2. I've come to realize that my job...doesn't pay enough, but allows me to stay at home with my kids.

3. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...I wish I could just teleport to my destination.

4. I've come to realize that I need...a social life.

5. I've come to realize that I have lost...my ability to just up and go when and where I please.

6. I've come to realize that I hate it when...I'm watching the fun from the outside even though I'm actually there.

7. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk...I will BEYOND REGRET it.

8. I've come to realize that money...is the root of all evils and is not as important as it is to figure out how to live without it.

9. I've come to realize that certain people...suck and will never change.

10. I've come to realize that I'll always be...negative, disgruntled and on the outside looking in.

11. I've come to realize that I would like to....get more stamps in my passport.

12. I've come to realize that my mom.... is right a lot but needs to not preach it.

13. I've come to realize that my career is...not considered a job by 99% of the world, pays about 1/1000 of what it should, is way more stressful some days than it ever needs to be and aside from the negatives it is still very rewarding.

14. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...it was not going to be a good day. So far pretty dead on.

15. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...I should have just put the AC in the living room and slept on the couch.

16. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about...all sorts of negative things.

17. I've come to realize that my dad...is absent more than I would have expected.

18. I've come to realize that when I get on my blog...I wonder who are the people that keep visiting it.

19. I've come to realize that today...was hot, boring, stressful and its not over yet.

20. I've come to realize that tonight...I will undoubtedly have an argument about something very stupid.

21. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will...pack for camp and pray the weekend and my vacation next week go peacefully and I finally get the rest I need so I can get out of this awful funk.

22. I've come to realize that I really want to.... enjoy everything again and soon.

23. I've come to realize that I used the same responses on 9 and 10 as auntie JOJO since they are perfect responses. I love you Jolene :)

Hell week

I'll try to keep in short and sweet. Its starts: I'm completely psyched for Monday. I've been waiting, not very patiently, to learn the sex of my baby. I finally got squeezed in at Dartmouth and I was just about bouncing off the walls all weekend awaiting my appointment. So I get to the hospital, with two kids and no assistance mind you, I get to the ultrasound department and get taken in almost right away. Yippee yippee. So I get in the room and lay on the bed. She starts gooping me and rolling the wand thing over my little bump of a tummy. The kids were being awesome. I hope all of you hear the vast amounts of sarcasm that I put into "awesome". So I get to spend most of my appointment not seeing my little new one's face and whatnot but telling 2 two year olds to stop lowering and raising the bed I'm on and stop trying to rip out the oxygen line from the wall, etc, etc. At this point it seems like I've been in there for hours. I'm starting to just want to know and go. She finally tells me its a girl. Ha ha ha. I win. My husband is going to cry! She finally tells me she should be about done she just has to show her pics to the radiologist. Okay see ya in a minute. So I lay there and wipe off the pounds of slimy gel. And she comes back in. I need to do some more. Okay whatever. She re-goops me and goes to town on my tummy with the 3D ultrasound. I am starting to think the 3D machine sucks cuz I can't even tell what she's looking at. Everything ok? I ask. As far as I can tell. Is the response. Bullshit.......I will soon learn the truth. So she leaves again with her newer info for the doc and before she leaves the room she tells me my daughter weighs 1 lb 13 oz and I'm 25 weeks and 5 days.....not 21 weeks 6 days like my "normal" OB thinks. WTF?!?! Whatever. So she leaves again. This time she's gone for a while. Ashtyn, my 2 year old daughter, has at this point crapped her diaper. I'm still stuck in this room. Diapers and wipes are waaaaaaayyyyy outside in the parking lot. She stinks to say the least and I'm starting to feel nauseous and embarrassed. The tech finally returns and this time with a guy. I'm going to take just a couple more pics. Super. So the guy starts rolling to wand over me and tells me he doesn't even know how to use this machine. I calm myself a bit assuming he just wants to practice and I'm the lucky sap who's on the table. So he makes small talk for a minute or two and then all of a sudden asks if my husband or anyone is with me. Uh don't you think this someone would be entertaining the kids who are trying to unplug the ultrasound machine as we speak. DUH! Oh, yeah, well I hate to tell you this but your baby doesn't seem to have a left hand. SAY FUCKING WHAT?! No I didn't say that......but that's what I was thinking. So as I slip away into the silence of shock. I only hear faint echos of the adults from Charlie Brown "waahh whha wah". After a minute or two of him showing me pics that make no sense to me they look like a yellow blob with a skinny yellow blob attached......no clue......I finally start to cry. Ashtyn looks up at me and starts to panic. She asks to come up with me so I grab her and hug her. Baby boo boo? She asks. Yeah honey, sister's gotta boo boo. And she kisses me and my belly and gives me another big squeeze. And we just lay there as the Charlie Brown noises continue. When they finally let me leave I am a total zombie. I just looked at the floor as I escorted both kids out to my car. I buckled them in and broke down bawling on the grass. This was only the beinging of my week from hell. That afternoon I received a two-week notice from one of the families I provide daycare for. I had to tell my husband the scary news of our baby girl, who by the way took it about as well as I did. I received another two-week notice from a different family on Wednesday. I also found out that day, a girl I used to hang out with went for her ultrasound and found out her daughter didn't have a brain so she had the "joy" of delivering a dead baby. I can't handle this! I just wanted to crawl into bed and die. Then the hospital called me to arrange an all-day apointment for me Monday full of High risk OB, genetic counceling, another ultrsound, possible amniosenticis. Some one shoot me please. For the rest of the week I researched online to find any info what so ever on this issue and did eventually find some relief. But then some more fear. I had to then wait until the following Monday to have my questions answered. Monday finally came and all went ok. My mother and sister went with me and Ashtyn to the hospital for round two. Luckily all else is ok with little Taylor (that's going to be her name). She definatly doesn't have her left hand and half of the fore arm is gone too but as far as we know everything else is good. So at least I can be happy about that. Can I have a nervous break down now?